Fortress of Tears
by Zeeri
Summary: (Credit to HIM - Fortress of Tears). When Gakupo finds Kaito in a state he'd never imagine, what does he do? Is this the help he really needed all this time? Whatever happened to his note? Short but sweet. Hints to an intimate relationship but nothing graphic. Sensitive topics inside.


No one was there. This time, no one was there to help him, to save him, to make him feel better. The rain fell on his face like a torn blanket, his clothes sticking to him as it pelted down onto his skin. It was the end for him. He held it in his hands; the tub, to the brim with orange pills. He could do this, or he could go home, to the hell. Everything was ruined, now. Nothing was going to get better. It was not going to be okay, and he was going to just die here. His hair fell past his shoulders and stuck to his back. He was slumped on the dirt, head down with mud covering his whole lower half where it made contact with the ground. He had no idea where he was and for once in his life, he felt pathetic. The clock in his head ticked slowly, every second inching closer to his death. If he just took the pills ... he slowly opened the jar, started to lift it to his lips and-

"Kaito!" A voice rang out behind him. Strong arms wrapped around his waist and lifted him into warm but slightly wet arms, helping slightly against the shivering. He protested for but a moment before falling limp - he'd ate none. Gakupo saved him. The tub of pills had fell on the ground, all of the orange tic-tac like pills scattered across the ground. The man, who was clearly Gakupo by the damp hair that surrounded them both, gave the pills a mere glance before turning and moving, cradling Kaito in his arms, with a brisk pace back to his house. The samurai's house was Kaito's favourite place and once wrapped up in the older man's duvets, curled up in warm clothes, though with his wet hair soaking the pillow, he wasn't that upset anymore. For a while, he'd forgotten the hell. _He was with the one he loved, and that was all that mattered._  
"Gakupo? ..." He sleepily asked, raising a brow.  
"How can I help, Kaito?" Gakupo slumped onto the edge of the bed, absently draping a towel around Kaito's head.  
"... Hello." He grinned before turning over to faceplant the pillows, snoring starting a mere few moments later. A soft chuckle rumbled from Gakupo at that and he placed a few blankets over the bluenette, leaning in to lightly kiss his forehead before moving to close the door and sit in a chair at the end of the bed. His attempted suicide could be discussed tomorrow; for now, Gakupo and Kaito were happy, and he wanted it no other way.

* * *

The next few days for Kaito were just about the same. The same conversation about Gakupo's singing, the same re-assurance that things will get better, the same foods and showers and sleep patterns. Kaito had slept alone in Gakupo's room, while Gakupo took the sofa downstairs - he didn't think it was fair for Gakupo to be kicked out of his own room, but he was grateful for his selflessness. Something was lacking, though - was it the obscene routines? Back at home he was getting random phone calls all the time, yet now? No one ever called his phone. He looked at it all the time, waiting. He especially wanted to tell Miku and Meiko about Gakupo's affectionate attitude. That kiss on his forehead, and the way his arms remained around him, his trust never faltering ... it did tighten his stomach in a way that before he did not understand or even know. When described to him, he shrugged it off, but this ... this was a breath of new air. He loved Kaito. Kaito loved him. It was truly perfect.

And yet he woke on the fourth day with a _very_ odd sense, that somehow, the food will burn, or Gakupo will have an appointment, or Kaito's apparent head wound (which he actually never noticed until the second day) will recover and suddenly he would have to go home. Yet the day unfolded as all the others had, with him ending up especially bored and dying to voice it. When he did, Gakupo's expression turned guilty and something was muttered about his lack of attention, but as soon as the moment had arrived, it was gone. Kaito's phone was ringing with that familiar tune to tell him it was Len. He picked up the second it rang and held it to his ear.  
"Len! What's up, man?" He grinned inwardly, and probably outwardly too. The male opposite him at the dinner table was certainly beaming.  
"I thought I would ask how you are. It's been a while, right? I heard about all the-" A sigh on the other end made Len hesitate briefly, or at least Kaito thought that was why, "- Yeah, you know what I mean. How is Gakupo? I could try to come over later if you like, to see you."  
"That'd be great. Gakupo's doing good, especially as he has -me- on his hands!" All three males laughed at that.  
"See you there, then."  
"Bye, Len." He hung up the phone and smiled. "Ah, Gakupo, isn't this fun?"

* * *

"He's really brightened up, sir." Gakupo smiled to Mikuo, as he sipped at his half-empty mug of tea, peering over some forms. Mikuo had recently enrolled as a doctor and naturally once seeing signs of Kaito's depression, he went to do something about it. Of course, Kaito didn't hear about this. Gakupo didn't want him going back to how he was, but maybe that was everyone's fear. They hid things from him because he could revert. Seeing him happy was making the rest of them happy, and nothing else really mattered.

"Oh? He still believes I and Len's visits are simply as friendly 'hang out' sessions, then?" The male's lips thinned, and Gakupo saw that. "You have not told him?" He repeated, insistent.  
"I do not intend to tell him until all of it's out of him, Mikuo. I see him flinch, I hear him screaming next to me in the dead of night - even on the sofa I could hear him, like he was being killed. It tears me apart, but do I want that all the time? No. He's happy when he's not in his nightmares." Gakupo glared at the other male.  
"No," Mikuo responded flatly, but he seemed irritated, "It is a mask of his pain. Don't you see? Kaito is staying 'strong', or otherwise pretending to, because he doesn't want to see you sad. He refuses to tell because he thinks it'll mean you'll leave him. He wants you to be kind but truthful. I and Len can help you, really." Mikuo retorted, earning a snort.  
"I do only what is right for Kaito. Len will tell you."

"Will I?" Came a familiar, surprisingly quiet voice from behind him. He span in his seat to see him, a frown on his face, "Will I help you to fight yourself? Will I help you destroy my friend?" A single tear rolled down his face as he stuttered to Gakupo. Gakupo rose and went to pull him into a hug, yet he was pushed aggressively aside by Mikuo, who pulled Len against his chest and rested his chin onto the top of the boy's head. He glared at Gakupo.  
"Consider what I've told you. If you don't start being truthful, he's coming with us where he can get real help." Moving to the door, the two were suddenly faced by a beaming bluenette as he pushed into the room, immediately running in to wrap his arms around Gakupo's neck and grin up at him, their bodies pressed close. Across the room, Mikuo glowered at Gakupo, nodding at him with 'that look' in his eyes. After a few moments of their locked gaze, he guided the sniffling blonde out of the room to cheer him up.  
"Hi, Gaku'!" Kaito jested, laughing. Gakupo didn't laugh, only told him;  
"I have something to tell you."

* * *

"... Cancer." He found himself repeating, over and over. Cancer. _Why? Why Kaito?_ The bluenette shook in the corner opposite Gakupo, wracked with sobbing, but Gakupo couldn't cry. He couldn't do anything; his body had quit functioning. All he could do is state that one word, and vaguely heard the male doctor call in a few more to see to him. Gakupo felt arms grip him and lift him onto a bed, but he could only close his eyes, hearing the sobbing, unable to do anything but speak that one word. He was broken, just as Kaito was. Now he wished that the man was him. He wished that Kaito was the one who had lifted him up, and brought him into safety, made love to him under the stars, took him to carnivals and the circus, went on romantic boat trips with him. Gakupo wished to be the one who was happy, yet pained inside, wanting to find that speck of light in the infinite darkness around him. Waiting to die so that everything could end. He wished he could hide his hurt so well so no one would see, because no one deserved the pain that he felt - he wanted to be able to burst into that room and joke just like Kaito did. Sometimes he felt he was Kaito, other times someone so different, so alien to the world they lived in.

His form shook as he took it all in, yet suddenly everything snapped back to him. He was Kaito. He was Kaito and suddenly he snapped back to reality, in that hospital bed, shaking violently as they hooked up electrical devices to him. He felt his breath come in pants, tears pushing themselves out with force as if it were a war. The cancer. It was him. The whole time, it was he who had felt the pain, he who had wanted to find that light. He was broken, yet Gakupo had always wanted to feel the same way as he. Perhaps they both just wanted to be loved. He was angry that Gakupo lied to him, yet sad he was gone, yet happy he had found that truth he had wanted all his life ... and as his last breaths escaped him, he murmured a few words.  
"I love you." The fortress fell, and tears and broken memories were all that were left.

* * *

Trembling, Len stood in silence, head bowed as he finished listening to the dull murmurs of prayers and the sobbing behind him. He cried in silence, stood next to two coffins: both black, one with blue lining and one with purple. On the blue it had engraved in silver 'Always', and on the purple, 'Together'. As they were lifted and placed together into the holes, he sniffed and stared into the hole. Yet on the surface, where Kaito's coffin was just before being lifted, was a note. A long note, quickly scrawled with some red splotches across it. He picked it up and peered at it, though finding difficulty with his glossed over eyes.

_"Anyone who can read this, I'm reaching out, before it's too late. Maybe someone will understand._

_Why am I so lonely? Why do I have so many fears about the world? Why is it that I hate myself so much when others say there's nothing wrong with me? There is something. Deep down, there's a problem, and I can't find the answer. Like a lock with no key, I will never open it, never find out what lies underneath all of the sadness and hatred. Because it's all I am, now. I'm a husk of who I was before. I was a happy, free soul, until you came into my life. Until I was torn apart time and time again by the results of my actions. Until I was broken down so much until I wasn't strong enough to pretend anymore and gave up. I cry everyday because of my life. Not because I'm poor, because I'm not. I don't have family issues - my family must be one of the best families. But because of me. I'll never be perfect, and maybe that's why I pretend I am. I pretend to be happy and smiley and maybe even feel a bit of that happiness when out (when I was capable) or with the few real friends I have (or had). But when I'm alone and away from my family or Gakupo, I crack. I break down and I just cry, or harm myself, because it's the only way I can get it out of my system; as if crying is wrong. But those few moments of happiness could save me, if only I held onto them more. If I did, I would be complete. I would be loved. But my self-hate has led to my appetite suffering, my weight sometimes, my personality, my work, my overall self and my life. My hatred for myself and the need to feel a feeling that I've never felt, that I assume everyone else feels, of completeness and being loved or just a genuine happiness that even on trips, or being with family, or getting gifts, I've never felt. I've been pleased, but it's not a surprise to me. It's fun to an extent, but I feel like there should be more. Yet is there more? I don't know. I'm not everyone else. All I know is that it's tearing me apart; this emptiness that won't disappear. I'll break for good if I don't get help - not from a therapist, not from family, not from friends, not even Gakupo, the love of my life. Because the only one who can help me is me, and I have to find the strength to carry on, else maybe I never will. Maybe you can help me help myself, before everything breaks._

_Just give me the pills."_

Len sniffed again and leaned back into the embrace that he knew was Mikuo, and let the sobs go when those arms rested around him and kisses were placed in his hair.  
"That note of his started this all. If only we knew that depression was linked with cancer. We should have helped him." Mikuo sighed with a slight tremble in his voice.  
"They'll ... th-they'll be together. At least there's that ... maybe K-kaito could be happy then."

_The fortress was broken, yet soon they knew; that was what they were always meant to do. Gakupo's fears were lifted, and they remained in the skies, a smile lingering on Kaito's face, as it now would be for eternity._


End file.
